"Mud Watching" Workshop

The story is about a 35-year-old man who is still pining over a girl he knew in his youth. They used to sit and “mud watch” over the girl’s father’s baseball field just to waste time. After some traumatic event (a hailstorm?) the father forbids his daughter from seeing the narrator again and sends her away.

            I liked the loneliness of the piece as well as the use of “you,” as though the story is a letter to the girl. This emphasizes that the fact that he still has not gotten over her. However, I’m a little confused about the traumatic event that makes her father send her away. It sounds like a hailstorm struck, but the storm seems like it sprung up too suddenly. This is the main source of conflict, so it should be as clear as possible. Also, I’d’ like to know a bit more about the girl. The narrator never mentions her reactions to any of the events he talks about, nor does he describe her physically. I think that, as obsessed as he is with this girl, that he would have a very romanticized idea of her and would mention specific details about her hair, gestures, clothing, etc. I suggest spending more time developing her character and cutting some of the details about their mud watching experiences (such as the little boys) to improve the draft.

            I think you’re off to a good start. Focus on fleshing out the traumatic event and the girl’s character, and you’ll be in good shape.