"Milk and Snails" Workshop

The story is about two sisters. The older one, Jenny, has recently gotten married and started a career as a ballerina, though she still lives in her parents’ house. The narrator is the younger sister. The first half takes place in the present, when they are adults, but the bulk of it is set in the past when they are young teenagers. The narrator recalls a time when she finds her sister throwing up in the bathroom, discovering that Jenny is bulimic. The story ends with Jenny reacting harshly to her sister finding out her secret and calling her fat.

            During the first read, I had a difficult time figuring out who the narrator was and who were the important characters. I thought Mark would be more involved in the story, but he’s only mentioned briefly. I also wasn’t sure what to make of the details about their mother taking them shopping. It wasn’t until the top of the second page that I realized the narrator was Jenny’s sibling, and then I wasn’t sure if the narrator was a boy or girl until she uses a barrette to open the bathroom door. However, after this the story became much clearer. I was able to understand exactly what was going on, and I thought the closing lines were particularly powerful. There was only one thing I was confused about in the second half. Why was Jenny throwing up if she was taking laxatives?

            During the second read, I found the story a lot easier to follow and noticed little clues that foreshadowed the ending, such as the mentioning of Jenny’s budding ballet career and the line, “And don’t worry I got your damn Chips Ahoy, fat ass!” These were really good details. I think it would be very easy to make the beginning clearer. Perhaps consider taking out the parts about Mark and the mother flirting with the bag boys and establish who the narrator is nearer the beginning. You could do that by saying “my sister” instead of “Jenny” in the opening sentence. On a side note, I also really like the image the first sentence paints. It’s a good detail.

            Overall, I think you have an excellent draft that will flow much smoother once a few tweaks to the beginning are added.