"Annunciation" Workshop

The story is about a young girl named Marianne who is part of a youth group within a strange Christian sect. The story begins with Pastor Gabe calling on the Jesus to instill the Spirit within all the children in the youth group. Aside from Marianne, all of the children, when the priest’s hands are laid upon them, convulse and collapse in religious ecstasy. Marianne is fearful that God has not chosen her and, feeling like an outcast, hides in a Sunday school classroom. Pastor Gabe finds her in there, tells her that God wants him to help instill His grace within her, and then rapes her.

            I like your close attention to detail, particularly in the stage performance and the classroom. This made it easy for me to picture the setting and imagine myself in the room with the characters. The only thing I wasn’t not sure of is the number of people present at the worship gathering. Also, while I think the intro is good, you might consider starting with a “long shot” of the scene rather than a “close-up” of the pastor. It took me just a moment too long to understand the extent of the setting’s elaborate measures. But this would mostly be reorganizing the first paragraph.

            One last thing: I’m not sure if the title quite works yet. The Annunciation is the moment when Angel Gabriel appears to Mary and announces that she will bear the Savior. It’s a very specific moment in the Christian tradition, and I don’t really see a strong connection between the Annunciation story and the rape. True, Marianne’s name links her to the Virgin, and conception is a possible consequence of rape, but I still don’t feel like the connection is strong enough.

            Overall, though, it was a good, clean draft!