The story is about a woman named Jacqueline who seems to be
in a psychiatric hospital. Her doctor, Jobs, is raping her. The other
character, Donna, seems real at certain times, and an illusion at other times.
If Donna is an illusion, then Jacqueline is most likely a schizophrenic.
I like the
way you make the narrative twist and fluctuate to create the confusion
Jacqueline feels in the wake of her illusions and rape. This tactic does make
the story a bit difficult to understand, but overall, I think that’s a
strength. I suggest making Jacqueline’s gender apparent within the first couple
of sentences, because at first I thought she was a male. Another thing that
confused me was the part about the drugs. What kind of drugs was she stealing?
Did these drugs cause her to hallucinate Donna? Also, what is the golden pill
that Jobs gives her supposed to do? Make her amorous? Change her to a
heterosexual? Jobs says, “I think this may help your transition,” which,
considering his reasons for being in her room, might suggest that he’s trying
to “cure” her of homosexuality. However, I’m not certain that this is the
correct reading.
Overall, I
found the piece intriguing and compelling. Good first draft!
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