"Give the Water the Rest" Workshop

The story is about a homosexual merman named Emil who becomes fixated a human boy named Michael, the son of Emil’s previous love, Isaac. Emil has killed Isaac before the beginning of the story because Isaac left him when he discovered Emil is a merman. For five years, Emil pretends to be Michael’s godfather and uncle while trying to get close to the boy. There is also the complication of Emil’s magic, which keeps running out and is borrowed from his sister, a powerful witch. When Michael is seventeen, Emil takes him to a house and lives with him, finally raping him at the end of the summer. Michael then finds out Emil’s true nature and the truth about Emil and Isaac, responding by stabbing Emil with a pair of scissors. Emil slowly dies, regretting the ways in which his relationships with both Michael and Isaac have ended.

            I like the premise, that of a merman’s obsession with two human men from the same family. However, there are a few structural concerns that need clarifying. There are two large time jumps, the first coming in the beginning when Michael is twelve and then suddenly becomes seventeen. The second occurs when Emil takes Michael to his makeshift house for the summer. In both instances, it does not feel like that much time has passed and is a bit disconcerting when the time jump is revealed. This can be easily fixed by telling the reader at the beginning of the scene how much time has gone by.

            Still on the subject of time, I am curious why Emil takes so long to rape Michael. It seems unlikely that he could be patient for five long years, especially when his patience just seems to end abruptly at the end of summer. He is also impatient in the beginning when he’s eyeing Michael from the sea, only two weeks after killing Isaac. This in addition to his first line of dialogue, “I want him,” makes Emil seem like an impatient individual. Perhaps consider condensing the story down to one year.

            I’d also like to know a bit more about the magic and why it causes Emil pain when it runs out. Overall, though, it was a clean draft. Good job!