The story consists of a letter written to an absent mother
from her thirty-year-old son. The letter starts off with a tone of curiosity
and self-expression, but towards the end, the son’s tone becomes angry because
the mother left.
I think you did a good job at
laying out the emotions a person feels when abandoned by a parent. There’s
always some wonder along with the anger. However, I think the anger should be
present throughout the piece. For instance, Andrew writes about how much his
father hated his mother on the second and third pages, and such intense hatred
would have rubbed off on him as boy and be deeply seeded in him. He wouldn’t
suddenly realize that he hates her towards the end of the letter. He would know
it from the start, and his anger is probably what prompts him to write the
letter in the first place. Thus, I think the anger needs to be present from the
first page. It can be subtle at first, but it must be present nonetheless.
I also
suggest giving the dad one or two faults just to avoid the very black and white
juxtaposition of the parents. It doesn’t have to be anything too great—in fact,
it could stem from the fact that he works too much. People who overwork
themselves are under so much strain that they often take their stress out on
their families. Perhaps something like that could be a source of tension for
the father and son, a tension for which Andrew blames his mother.
Other than
that, good first draft!
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