"Escape" Workshop

The story is an anti-utopian narrative in which hell has been destroyed, unleashing all the evil souls into heaven. The story follows a man name Doug who lives inside a compound on earth that protects some humans from the chaos wreaked upon the earth. One day at work, he witnesses an accident in his lab in which one of the compound’s prisoners escapes. The prisoner is severely burned and begs for help, but before Doug can react, he is knocked out by one of the guards. He wakes up in his house with a woman named Dyna who broke into the compound from the outside city. She convinces him to come with her to the city, away from the immorality of the compound.

            I really liked your overall concept—the idea of hell being destroyed and overrunning heaven and earth is very intriguing. Is this story a part of a longer work? I feel like a lot of things in the story are left unexplained, though if this is only a part of a novella, then this is understandable. That said, though, I do think that some more explanation in regards to the burned man is needed. You state Doug “knew that his allotted space in the universe was causing some unknown being excruciating, unending pain.” I assume that this means the burned man. So, in order for DivinePlus to work, does one have to trade another soul for one’s own? I feel like I’m reaching for this interpretation because I can’t find anything in the text that specifically leads to this interpretation. Perhaps make the significance of the burned man clearer. How does he relate to Doug’s comfortable existence?

            Also, Doug’s decision to follow Dyna seems to come too easily. Doug is living as comfortably as possible, so why would he give this up? True, what he’s doing is immoral (if my above interpretation is correct), but he has not done anything to change his behavior until this point, which suggests that he’s willing to accept the immorality of his actions. Such a change in conscience would take far longer and be far more painful. He also should show signs of deep unease earlier in the story, so that Dyna’s words are merely the last push to get him to change. Could you expanded on this part? If you did, I think you could end the story here with Doug’s change of conscience.

            On a minor note, be sure to make clear who is speaking because I had a hard time following the dialogue in a few places. Also, mention the women’s names earlier to avoid confusion and awkwardness. Other than that, this is a good start to an anti-utopian story.