"Single-Wide" Workshop

The story is about a poor family trying to deal with a lot of family drama. The oldest daughter, Janie, is a former drug addict who has not been in contact for a while (I’m not sure how long she’s been gone), and she shows up unannounced to move back in. The narrator and middle child, Chris, hates Janie for the trouble she’s put their mother through, although the mother may not be totally blameless. The father’s absence is never explained. At the end, Chris learns that Janie returned because she has cirrhosis. This revelation inspires forgiveness and an unquestioned acceptance of Janie.

            I think you have the beginnings of a great story with very compelling characters. The turn at the end with Janie’s illness both surprised and moved me. However, I think the story can be shortened in a number of places, particularly in the beginning. I don’t feel like the first section is necessary, as it only serves to establish the family’s poverty. Though their poverty is evident at the beginning of section two and throughout the story, which is another strength—the poverty is always evident, a constant source of stress for the characters, yet it is not overdone. Also be careful about explanation within dialogue. There are some places, such as the first scene in section three, where the characters relate information that the other characters probably already know.

            Additionally, I’d like to know more about the fight between the mother and Janie back before Janie got into drugs. I really wanted to know what provoked Janie to throw the plate and abandon her family members after she had spent so many years caring for them. Throwing a glass plate at her mother is such a violent act and a complete turn around from her previous behavior. Coupling this with the mother’s evasiveness about the night, I began suspecting that the mother had done something unforgivable that the narrator doesn’t know. Never finding out what triggered the fight left me wanting more.

            One final note: I thought the revelation that Janie has cirrhosis came a bit too easily. I think that Janie would react more defensively when she catches her brother spying on her while she’s naked, especially if she’s been hiding the disease from them for so long. I feel like Chris would have to pull the truth out of her. To me, her silence suggests that she doesn’t want to accept that she’s dying, and admitting that she has the disease would make it real to her. Overall, though, the scene was very moving.