The story is a Western set in a make-believe town called
Oxito in Mexico. There is a conflict between the harsh Mexican Major Crutzen,
who runs the town, and a visiting American named Alexander Fossett. Costilla,
Crutzen’s lieutenant, becomes caught in the middle of this conflict and is
forced to do Crutzen’s dirty work—ultimately killing Alexander.
You did a
great job in capturing the tone of a Western, particularly in scene description
and character development. I also thought Costilla’s internal conflict was well
done. However, I’m a little confused about the story’s main focus. At first I
thought the central focus was the duel between Alexander and Crutzen, as the
story opens with the talk of the town, which spurs the duel. The story also
ends with the townspeople burying Alexander’s body and an admonition from the
third person narrator for their role in Alexander’s death. Yet the story also
spends a good deal of time on Costilla. He is the only person whose thoughts
the audience hears and the only character for whom any sympathy is evoked. This
made me want to focus on him and his struggles with his conscience rather than
the duel. If Costilla is supposed to be the main focus, then I think
introducing him on the first page would be better.
One other
note. I’m curious as to why the American shows up to the duel without a weapon,
especially the second time. The first time, I’m willing to believe that he’s
just a stupid kid looking for glory. But the second time, especially after such
a severe beating, I have more difficulty believing. Why is the American so
willing to die? He had to know that they’d kill him. Therefore, I feel like a
reason is needed for the second confrontation, but not necessarily the first.
Overall,
this was a good first draft.
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