"Pretend Games" Workshop

The story is about two little girls who often play on the neighborhood playground together. E lives with her grandparents and is subjected to many rules she dislikes such as bathtime and bedtime. She is jealous of Tay, who seems to have no such rules to follow. One night E escapes from her bedroom window to go play with Tay. She finds Tay in a shed near the playground, and Tay seems frightened at E’s arrival. Shortly afterward, E’s grandparents find them and take both girls home, where they feed and bath Tay.

            I think you did a wonderful job portraying the two girls, particularly E’s childish innocence and incomprehension of Tay’s situation. The child perspective is often difficult to pull off, but I think you manage it. However, I am a little uncertain about Tay’s life. Is Tay homeless? Or is she hiding in the shed to avoid an abusive parent? Her parents are briefly mentioned on page two: “Her mother was never around to tell her what to do. Her stepfather worked the night shift, so she could stay up as late as she wanted.” If she does have parents, then she would have a house, and unless she feared abuse from her parents, she would probably be inside. However, there is no suggestion that Tay has been beaten, as she does not have any bruises. Secondly, if she is homeless, then I feel like E would not have found her so easily. Tay could have wandered anywhere, and E just happens to find her in the backyard of a house she believes belongs to Tay. Perhaps this confusion can be cleared up if a dialogue between Tay and E is added while on the playground. If Tay is homeless and ashamed of it, she might tell E that she lives in the house near the playground to make herself seem more normal. Or, if she has abusive parents, maybe E could notice bruises in suspicious places, though think that they came from playing sports.

            One last question: Why is E simply named E? I would like to see a name for the main character, rather than just an initial. Finally, it would also be helpful to know that Ba Ba and Dee Dee are her grandparents from the moment they’re introduced. At first I thought they were siblings and then parents before I figured it out.

            Overall, an enjoyable story! Great job!

"Annunciation" Workshop

The story is about a young girl named Marianne who is part of a youth group within a strange Christian sect. The story begins with Pastor Gabe calling on the Jesus to instill the Spirit within all the children in the youth group. Aside from Marianne, all of the children, when the priest’s hands are laid upon them, convulse and collapse in religious ecstasy. Marianne is fearful that God has not chosen her and, feeling like an outcast, hides in a Sunday school classroom. Pastor Gabe finds her in there, tells her that God wants him to help instill His grace within her, and then rapes her.

            I like your close attention to detail, particularly in the stage performance and the classroom. This made it easy for me to picture the setting and imagine myself in the room with the characters. The only thing I wasn’t not sure of is the number of people present at the worship gathering. Also, while I think the intro is good, you might consider starting with a “long shot” of the scene rather than a “close-up” of the pastor. It took me just a moment too long to understand the extent of the setting’s elaborate measures. But this would mostly be reorganizing the first paragraph.

            One last thing: I’m not sure if the title quite works yet. The Annunciation is the moment when Angel Gabriel appears to Mary and announces that she will bear the Savior. It’s a very specific moment in the Christian tradition, and I don’t really see a strong connection between the Annunciation story and the rape. True, Marianne’s name links her to the Virgin, and conception is a possible consequence of rape, but I still don’t feel like the connection is strong enough.

            Overall, though, it was a good, clean draft!

"Give the Water the Rest" Workshop

The story is about a homosexual merman named Emil who becomes fixated a human boy named Michael, the son of Emil’s previous love, Isaac. Emil has killed Isaac before the beginning of the story because Isaac left him when he discovered Emil is a merman. For five years, Emil pretends to be Michael’s godfather and uncle while trying to get close to the boy. There is also the complication of Emil’s magic, which keeps running out and is borrowed from his sister, a powerful witch. When Michael is seventeen, Emil takes him to a house and lives with him, finally raping him at the end of the summer. Michael then finds out Emil’s true nature and the truth about Emil and Isaac, responding by stabbing Emil with a pair of scissors. Emil slowly dies, regretting the ways in which his relationships with both Michael and Isaac have ended.

            I like the premise, that of a merman’s obsession with two human men from the same family. However, there are a few structural concerns that need clarifying. There are two large time jumps, the first coming in the beginning when Michael is twelve and then suddenly becomes seventeen. The second occurs when Emil takes Michael to his makeshift house for the summer. In both instances, it does not feel like that much time has passed and is a bit disconcerting when the time jump is revealed. This can be easily fixed by telling the reader at the beginning of the scene how much time has gone by.

            Still on the subject of time, I am curious why Emil takes so long to rape Michael. It seems unlikely that he could be patient for five long years, especially when his patience just seems to end abruptly at the end of summer. He is also impatient in the beginning when he’s eyeing Michael from the sea, only two weeks after killing Isaac. This in addition to his first line of dialogue, “I want him,” makes Emil seem like an impatient individual. Perhaps consider condensing the story down to one year.

            I’d also like to know a bit more about the magic and why it causes Emil pain when it runs out. Overall, though, it was a clean draft. Good job!

"The Place Where the Blue Meets the Brown" Workshop

The story is about three friends in high school who plan to make a social statement at the start of their junior year of high school. They are all white boys, but they are the minority at their school. They apparently get bullied because of their race, so they decide to shave their heads to drive home the point that they are white. Nick, however, has an acceptance letter in his mailbox from a magnet school. The third person narrator tells the reader that Nick will sign the letter and leave his two friends.

            I like the camaraderie between the three boys and the dramatic imagery of summer’s end that foreshadows the estrangement that will soon occur between them. I would like to have seen more interaction between the friends other than simply shaving their heads. Perhaps consider cutting down some of the details about the act of shaving in favor of some discussion about what they’re going to do the first day of school. Nick thinks about this day, but what do his friends think? Do they have any plans for how they will act or any expectations concerning others’ reactions?

            On another note, the omniscient narrator stating what would happen with the letter in Nick’s mailbox sort of took me out of the story. Another route you might consider is having Nick already know about the letter. If you take this route, perhaps Nick can also be conflicted with his decision. Or maybe Nick has no qualms about leaving his friends and is just going along with them and enjoying the last week of summer. Either way, I feel like this letter may be your main source of conflict and therefore requires a little more focus.

            Overall, this is a great start!

"Looking for Jason" Workshop

The story is about a father named Virge who is looking for his missing son, Jason. Virge thinks that Jason is hiding in a batture behind a levee, where many young people have gone to withdraw from the rest of society. For a time, a girl named Cassie leads him to believe that Jason is there, but the young man she brings to Virge turns out to be the wrong Jason. Virge returns to his car depressed, but at the end, convinces himself that Cassie and the others have tricked him.

            I really liked your description of Virge’s worry for his son. His anxiety really comes through, especially in the beginning and end, making his a sympathetic character. However, I felt that the story loses a bit of its momentum when Virge sits and talks with Cassie. I think he would be more agitated and less likely to smile at her. I like the comments he makes about the young people’s way of living, though I think they should come off more scornful. If he truly thinks his son has joined this commune, then he would be very resentful towards them.

            Also, I was unsure what to make of the ending. Does Virge suddenly remember seeing something that explicitly reminds him of Jason and therefore realizes that he truly has been duped? Or does he just convince himself that Jason is in the commune because it’s easier than accepting that he may be dead? Right now, I think either interpretation could be considered, so the story should more clearly point towards one or the other.

            Overall, this is a good, clean draft. Good job!